H1N1 Heisters Heaven

Wonderful…wonderful news! Scientists have found a way to make bird flu more contagious to humans.  News like that could provide multitudinous opportunities to Thieves w/PhDs.  

Bird Flu, like any flu, is more deadly if the elderly catch it.  So wash your hands, buy some surgical masks, volunteer at the senior center.  Work the room and make friends with anyone who looks a little pale, shaky and who needs help signing in — if things go well — a H1N1 senior center windfall could be heading this way.

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Playing a Morally Relativistic ‘Twister’ Game

How lucky  are Thieves with PhDs to live in an age where morality is judged on an individual basis?

In another time and place people gunning for other people’s money might not have gotten away with financially abusing the elderly, or stealing what they knew rightfully didn’t belong to them. If someone did manage to foist a slick maneuver on a credulous cousin, thanks to a community set of standards, behavior would probably goad the crooked toward honesty.

Thankfully, the society we presently live in gives everyone, including us, the freedom to be the judge and jury of our own actions.

Gone are the days where a canon of right and wrong applied to everyone’s life. Thankfully, it is no longer stylish to measure thought, word, and deed against a code of ethics that, if adhered to, would direct the heart and mind of even the most determined heister toward God and what He would have us do.

Proverbs 21:2 says:  “All a man’s ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart.”  And ain’t that the truth! Wait…only the ‘all a man’s…right to him’ part.  The ‘Lord weighs the heart’ is a verse best left on the cutting room floor along side that annoying, ‘Do unto others …[and]… What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?”

Truth is, in order to sear your own conscience to the point where you can rationalize stealing a birthright and still feel vindicated while, and after doing it, takes a concerted effort, but nonetheless can be done.

One way is to play the game Twister, but play it within your head.  If something seems wrong…contort and twist a stop-on-red thought until it turns to go-for-it green.  Focus on the go-go green and regardless of how pretzel-like a mental position it requires to maintain that belief — stay there and refuse to be moved.

Another proven tactic is to hang around with people who live by the secular philosophy:  “It may be wrong to you, but not to me.”  People who say things like:  “There is no ‘truth’ because truth is relative to each individual.  That’s what NAMBLA members tell themselves so, if it works for a group of child abusing perverts, it should work for you.

That way,  other’s will help fill out your wrong-is-right and right-wrong, evil-is-good and good-evil team, which benefits the belief system that all the wrong decisions you are working so hard to convince yourself are right are, indeed, right.

In the end, after you’ve paid the lawyer and breathed a huge sigh of relief, relish the knowledge that you ‘Got away with it.’ However, if you should become uncomfortable with what you did, just make a list of things you consider to be worse like rape, murder, cannibalism and voting for a Democrat.

Tell yourself that unjustly punishing an innocent person by wresting what’s theirs from the feeble hands of an elderly parent isn’t as bad as beheading someone. Is it?

Someday, when you’re old and money doesn’t matter any more, your compulsive-gambling husband has passed on, and the kid you did it all for has grown up and done unto you, what you’ve done unto others; on that day, try not to dwell on the fact that all that matters in the end is how you treated your fellow man.

If at the end of your life when reviewing your decisions an icky feeling comes over you,  filling you with regret, and keeping you up at night …pray that the same dementia your aged aunt suffered from many years ago, is also part of the family DNA.

And if it is, hope to God it rears its ugly genetic head and helps you forget the injustices you inflicted on those who for many years, deep-down inside you knew full well really didn’t deserve it.

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Tip for the week: Buy an rich oldster a Neti pot for Christmas

Deaths from brain-eating amoeba linked to cold remedy… find an oldster with a stuffy nose.  Then have them change their will, make you the beneficiary on insurance policies and property, wait for that last social security check to hit and then empty their bank account. After which you can commence teaching them the ins-and-outs of Neti pot usage, stressing the irreplaceable benefits of flushing nasal cavities with warm, algae-infested, well-water.

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Latch on Like a Leech

In part two of our ‘Animals Learn from Animals’ series, today the subject is leeches, or “bloodsuckers” and how similar leeches are to Thieves with PhDs.

Before we start, a word of caution: Leeches have “conspicuous characteristics and habits that if you only know one kind it is easy to recognize others.”

For a ‘Thieve with a PhD’  being recognized could pose a problem.  For those of us who have a single victim and pull in a big enough bloodsucking haul that first time, it’s fine.  But for wanton leeches,  so successful at their initial rollover they don’t want it to be the last, recognition can be somewhat of a problem.

Even still, there is  much to be learned from leeches who, like ‘thieves,’ are “predatory and parasitic” – emphasis on the ‘predatory and parasitic.’

As an aside, TWPhDs should also be aware that there are  ‘slugs’ out there which are leeches without ‘suckers,’ “land slugs… have no suckers.”  Slugs like leeches are also easy to identify.  However, these are  ‘softies without shells’ – too slow to catch on – easy to fool, filch and finagle.

By and large, an emulable leech lives in the water, but prefers ‘shallow’ water with a ‘soft mud bottom.’  Ya’ know – wallowing where its shallow and dirty.

Leeches, come in all sizes from ½ inch to 6 inches – the biggies are the American Medicinal Leeches. These leeches exude saliva which when injected into the “wound it makes contains a substance called ‘hirudin’ that prevents clotting of the blood.” Wounding, getting the blood gushing, and preventing clotting is a talent at which leeches excel.

Find a source, latch on, suck away, prevent the cessation of the money flow, encourage ongoing legal cooperation, employ coercion and manipulation, all integral components  of a successful bloodletting.

Leeches are built for bloodsucking both coming and going.  They sport a “large muscular sucker on the tail end and a smaller one on the head, around the sucking mouth, which, in some kinds, is armed with jaws.”

Like any self-respecting leech, Thieves with PhDs need to be on the look out for family who could stop the bloodletting and be watchful over where all the assets have disappeared to.  Thus, leeches require many eyes and a tail sucker that knows what it wants, sees where it is, and knows how to get and keep it.

Leeches are very “sensitive to shadows passing over them, to the slightest vibrations in the water, and to small changes in the flavor of the water about them.”

Take for instance a leech is in the process of looting the life savings of a relative who has next of kin who is distracted.  At some point a blood relative like ‘shadows passing over…vibrations and changes in the flavor of the water,’ gets suspicious and starts to probe. What do you do?  Address the issue immediately and deal with it in manner worthy of any self-respecting leech.

One of the greatest similarities, or characteristics that thieves and leeches share is: contortion ability.

Thieves with PhDs will become whatever is necessary to financially abuse the elderly and steal inheritances.  Kind nephew, caring neighbor, benevolent co-worker, a niece that fills in part time as a daughter.  Contortion experts will fake caring, garner sympathy, act like they have no interest in other people’s money and do it while concocting methods to purloin it.

Literal leeches, “stretch out as long and slender as a toothpick one moment, and contract into a tight ball the next.”

Homo sapien leeches also change shape accordingly. They’re the types who you invite over for dinner, when they leave for home you offer them the leftover cheesecake.  Guaranteed response: “No…no…no, we couldn’t, we just couldn’t. That’s too much.”

Leeches contort by ‘protesting too much’ then milling around, and with minimal coaxing, under manufactured duress and a nervous giggle, say: ‘Oh, alright. You talked me into it.’

With rapid fire ‘toothpick-to-tight ball’ transformation gluttonous thieves will load up plastic shopping bags with everything they can get their hands on: left over roast beef, mashed potatoes, they pour the gravy right into the bag.  For good measure they’ll accept a few rolls of toilet paper to get them through the week and leave with a big ‘taker’ smile on their face weighed down with goodies and a few dollars worth of train fare pressed into a sweaty palm.

Leeches, also “swim with a serpentine movement like miniature eels,” which we all know are snakes.  Hello!  That’s a characteristic that requires zero comment.

“Leeches mate even though each one has a complete set of male and female organs,” which explains a lot. Gender confusion is a handy tool that can be used to trick relatives with dementia and poor eyesight.

The most successful thieves are nieces called “Sonny,” and nephews called “Honey.” For ‘leeches’ with ATM card-swiping-induced-carpel tunnel syndrome a woman resembling a man, or vice versa, comes in handy on bank withdrawal window videotapes.

Trashy, horny leech parents blood suck off the helpless. Leeches “lay eggs in a horny capsule or cocoon, which is glued to stones, plants or trash.” Some, “leeches use their young to enter the mouths and nostrils of men and beasts to grow and seriously interfere with breathing” and shimmy all the way down into their pocketbook.

As every successful thief is well aware that throwing a youngling into the leech business can usually ensure an even bigger haul, the oldies just open their checkbooks and sign anything if a cute little kiddy can burrow into the ‘mouths and nostrils of men and beasts.’

“A leech may feast on a snail at one meal,” which is sorta kinda like an old elderly relative that isn’t sharp enough to realize they’re dinner, and “suck the blood of a turtle at its next one.” Affectionately called the Turtle and the Heir.  A ‘turtle’ is a successor who thinks he or she dwells in a protective shell of familial safely, but is too damned slow, trusting or naive to realize they’re being overtaken and devoured by a leech.

Willing to feed off all types of prey those who dwell in shallow, muddy ponds are all shameless scavengers.  A leech favorite is: “the blood and body juices of larger animals,” which is similar to the preferences of those who feed off of the elderly and their rightful beneficiaries.

And so, Thieves with PhDs completes the yet another in a series of animal kingdom tutorials, where lesser beings are used as a mirror for personal reflection and provide a valuable teaching tool.

Thus, a lesson in how leeches instruct those who aspire to be shameless, bloodsucking predators and whose goal is to deplete the ‘bloody’ finances and gore the birthright of slow moving prey just begging to be scavenged.

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Hall of Shame

Here we are trying to find money we can fight to keep and an “Ex-Con Finds and Returns Cash-Filled Wallet” – Now what kind of ninny does a thing like that?

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Don’t fall into the reflecting pool

Playwright, literary critic and poet T. S. Eliot once wrote:

Half the harm that is done in this world

Is due to people who want to feel important

They don’t mean to do harm ­ 
But the harm does not interest them.


Or they do not see it, or they justify it

Because they are absorbed in the endless struggle


To think well of themselves.

And so it is for Thieves with PhDs like you! For years you felt really important catering to the psychotic behavior of someone with a different hairdo, but with a narcissistic personality similar to yours.  A person like you who thought they were good, never considered their actions hurtful, couldn’t see it…always justified it and, like you, spent a lifetime “absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves” by demeaning others.

It makes sense that you’d draw near to one and other. It’s in the blood, narcissism, it is.  However, oftentimes when narcissistic thieves attempt to make off with the booty, they run up against familial barriers, those with a genetically-diluted propensity to narcissism  neutralized by father or mother not afflicted with the disease of  falsely “believing you and yours are better than others.”

Those who suffer from the fallout of narcissist-inflicted damage, are usually shocked ex-heirs, without personality disorders who had no idea, until Mom’s other kidney shut down, that someone they trusted removed a kidney and sold it on the open market for money they pocketed.

Individuals who, for 60+ years, up-and-until you convinced Moms or Pops to insert your name into the executor slot on the new will you helped them draw up, were the rightful inheritors.  Gullible, men and women who were depending on their deceased father’s hard work, and heartfelt wishes, to ferry them through old age, which is exactly how Dad said he wanted it to be on the Last Will and Testament you so generously helped mother set fire to.

But who cares about that old dead guy? Another dead guy, Adolf Hitler once said: “What good fortune for those in power that people do not think,” until its usually too late.

With that in mind if, during the process the family member you’re backstabbing should happen to catch you, although it can be like mud wrestling for a spell, there are steps one can take to protect stashed swag.

Thieves with PhDs should always remember that the ‘Nice guy,’ who is really a ‘bad guy’ fooled them all once before, so, its highly likely, one way or another, a ‘false self’ will find a way to emerge triumphant, spoils in hand!

Here are some basic narcissistic conquest rules that always work when dealing with lowly beings who have a tendency to play fair:

  • Stick to your story, even if it’s exaggerated;
  • Refuse to bend, because why should you give in to people who are jealous of you and
  • Hold the line, because God knows you’re special and claiming what isn’t yours is just acting naturally.

Taking advantage of others is an inborn trait, which is great for you and tough luck on the sucker you got over on.

If wavering at any point, draw on that treasure trove of core narcissistic strength, which always helps in convincing yourself that you deserve more goodies than anyone else, you earned them, and you’re the only one who ever really cared for a person who you know cared for no one but them self.

Pretend that no one notices that just like your late, great patron you both, for a lifetime, shared:

  • a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations;
  • a interpersonally exploitative relationship that took advantage of others to achieve your own ends
  • and both lacked empathy: and were unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

So there you have it, two lives collide and narcissistic destiny shows extreme favor on one of the two. One narcissist spends their life, “fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness…exaggerating her own achievement or talent…expecting constant praise and admiration…and demanding her grown son go along with her ideas and plans” and then, when he refuses to be controlled or submit, she punishes him by handing over his entire inheritance to another narcissist, who coincidently just happens to be you.

Sleep well little Narcissus and whatever you do don’t fall into the reflecting pool.

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Thought for the day…

Just remember: If your spouse has a gambling problem that jeopardizes your financial well-being, compulsion justifiably cancels out any concern for anyone else and makes understandable the necessity to do what you intrinsically know inside to be wrong.

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