O.J. Ain’t Got Nothin’ on You

Remember the O.J. Simpson case when O.J. thought he got away with murder?  Well today’s subject is: What do you do if the other side pulls a ‘Ron Goldman’s family’ and just won’t give up?

We all agree that lifting inheritances is not murder, per se,  and in many cases it is trouble free and smooth sailing all the way to the bank.  However, occasionally Thieves do run into obstacles after a big heist.  Trouble usually occurs when inattentive relatives finally realize that, just like O.J., you slit a couple of financial throats and left a family member’s penniless body strewn on the sidewalk.

What’s the big deal you ask? You can’t help it if you’re like Orenthal James.  Mr. Simpson  was just savvier and certainly more devious than most. For you, the problem is that while you may not have literally killed anyone, you made off with a caravan of ill gotten gain and in direct bloodline circles that doesn’t bode well.

That is why its important not to let your guard down and remember that even though it may appear as if the worst is behind you at any moment a car chase could begin and things could get somewhat dicey.  Problems arise if rightful heirs have a sentimental attachment to Dad’s wishes and feel entitled to what you think your child has more of a right to than what their father wanted to bequeath to his own.

These sort of people have been known to dig in and, for the sake of Dad’s wishes and memory, after starting the process, refuse to surrender.

With that in mind, supercilious Thieves should take time out from plotting their next big caper and be aware that there is always the possibility that next of kin,  i.e. ‘Fred Goldman’- types could have an attachment to what’s rightfully theirs and demand justice be served.

Reality dictates that if legitimate successors demand back what you’ve swindled, it could make life a tad uncomfortable for a while and really, really expensive.

Let’s face it when you hid in the shadows, snuck up that dark driveway, and stealthily transferred those funds into your bank account you knew the money would help pay those gambling debts, but what you didn’t know is that you might have to dip into the loot to pay an expensive lawyer.  A few years later, when you least expect it, here you are shelling out  greenbacks to a guy with a Lexus and for what it’s worth… it’s a real bummer.

Who would have thought that the video camera that recorded you standing there helping Granny sign those withdrawal slips, or chronicled photos of you exercising your wrist and index finger at multitudinous ATM machines, would one day cough up those tapes in probate court and have you thinking to yourself: “Wow, I really should have laid off the cannolis at Christmas and, I don’t care what people say, gray hair really doesn’t make me look all that distinguished?”

You also didn’t think that the push-over/non-confrontational relative, who you thought would say: “Forget it, God will deal with them,” would actually grow a set of bolas/pelotas and come after what’s rightfully theirs.

Nonetheless, and regardless of the outcome, there are some precautionary measures you can take to protect the birthright you stole from heirs who seem to be afflicted with a severe case of  righteous indignation.

  • Spend as much of the money as you can right out of the gate — in other words clean the blood out of the get away car
  • If necessary, send some of that sullied money to an off shore bank account in Guatemala or Honduras and, when asked,  swear it was to build an orphanage
  • Pay off bills, preferably a large mortgage or student loans. In other words, liquidate stolen assets asap.  The people to whom it belongs may not know it yet but you can’t take back what ain’t there.  Capeesh?
  • If you hear words being bandied about on the other side such as:  district attorney, criminal charges, contingency agreement or civil suit seriously consider dressing in a skull cap and dark blue jump suit, stuffing a gym bag with cash, grabbing Mom and the kids and high-tailing it out of the country to that orphanage you helped finance in Latin America
  • Practice the mantra: “If the glove doesn’t fit you must acquit.”  Just rework it so it’s more applicable.  Say over and over:  “I almost got away with it, so please acquit!”

As a last resort, but only as an absolute last resort, if things are not looking good for you attempt to rescue your reputation,  about to be exposed for all the world to see,  by offering  to tell the truth and return the plunder.  Make sure to do it before you’re prosecuted or proven to be a slippery brigand and everyone  get’s to see your face in a mug shot, or with an orange hoody over your face leaving the local police station after being booked for larceny.

Either way, if you’re deluded enough to think you still  have a good chance of getting away with financial murder, learn from those bank video recordings and for God’s sake, as soon as humanly possible, dye that hair and lose the poundage so at least you’ll look somewhat presentable when, like O.J., your trial is broadcast live on CNN.

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2 Responses to O.J. Ain’t Got Nothin’ on You

  1. We invoke the name of OJ in our house on a regular basis, too. He is the patron (non)saint of guilty hoodwinkers. As luck would have it, our lives did become briefly but momentously intertwined with Orenthal James’ in a way I think you will appreciate.
    The night OJ was actually brought to justice — not for the main crime he got away with, for essentially for being too cocky and too stupid to keep up the facade indefinitely — my Hubby and I were in Vegas. Vegas is NOT a town we would ever frequent on our own. We were coming home from Utah and needed to catch a very early flight out of Vegas back to Cali. I know Vegas always has an undercurrent of aberrant weirdness, but that night the weirdness was palpable. We could just tell something big — and weird — was going to go down.
    And sure enough, they captured OJ on a charge that actually stuck.
    So is there a message in here for you, Ms. Jeannie?
    Recklessness catches up with them sooner or later.
    Sounds like you’ve got some solid evidence in those ATM tapes.
    And as for paypack. Well, it’s great that she paid off the mortgage. I am sure you and your family will just love living in what will soon be YOUR house! Driving YOUR (formerly her) car. Just because she spent it doesn’t mean you aren’t owed it back. No sir.

  2. jeannieology says:

    You’re a woman after my own heart…

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