Squeezing Oranges to Cash In

Today, lets discuss work.  Many Thieves with PhDs are professionals who, if their extra-curricular activities were made public, or their shady part-time job exposed, could suffer repercussions in the work place.

You may not ‘need’ the job, but you do like to keep busy and every day opens doors of opportunity to empty another till and expand your financial future to include more of other people’s money.  So, why stop now?

Thus, in order to ensure that, after winning the Elder $ Abuse/inheritance-lifting lottery, you do not end up home watching The Chew and being re-convicted every time  Judge Judy opens her yapper, its imperative to not let-on to fellow coworkers that you were the recent recipient of a less-than-ethical economic windfall.

In order to ensure success, working thieves, especially those in health care, should tell no one. Keeping mum is imperative to maintaining heister anonymity.  Besides, caring for the sick presents limitless opportunities to embrace future fortunes.

After all, what are chronically ill and mentally twisted people going to do with all that money?  They certainly don’t need it.

These are patients confined to beds whose time is running out, geezers in clinics filled with walkers, wheelchairs and canes, and loonies in counseling offices jammed with people who no one would believe anyway if they accused you of stealing their earthly possessions, or devising a way to revamp their will.

In other words, health care workers have daily exposure to potential bank account- expanding treasures that,  between the hours of 9:00 – 5:00, are just begging to be assimilated into your bank account.

But remember discretion is a must. The last thing you want to do is raise suspicion every time you cross your leg, by having a colleague ask why you have numbers carved into the bottom of your shoe, or why you have a map of banks indigenous to your place of business sticking out of your back pocket?

If coworkers are unaware you have a lucrative hobby ripping off old people and lifting inheritances they’ll ignore the map and your obsessive compulsive habit of reciting pin numbers.

If they do know, every time they spot you leaning over the bed of a dying person, gasping for air on a Nebulizer, saying “Say that again, was that a ‘seven’ or an ‘eleven’” or, see you forfeit lunch break to volunteer to teach a critically ill patient to blink out left/right safety deposit box combinations, it could look suspicious.

If you chose a career in counseling you’re in an even better position for future success. Counselors have entry into psyches, which to a thief like yourself, is similar to pick-axing your way through a vein of pure gold.

Counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists have limitless opportunities to exercise expertise scouting out victims and then subsequently twisting minds to redo legal papers, change beneficiaries, exclude next of kin, gain you responsibility over important papers like stocks, bonds and valuable items like antique/estate jewelry, as well as assigning to you the title ‘Exclusive Escort’ for trips to the withdrawal window at the bank.

It may be unethical, but lets face it, you’re in a better position than a mortician with a roving eye to score a home run.  Like a funeral director whose always one grieving widow away from comforting the bereft in bed,  for you, prowling for patrons on a counseling couch can only be a win-win.

In fact, you may be in an even better position than that randy undertaker, because your business card and appointment ledger delivers disturbed people to your door step daily, which consistently places you one lunatic shy of a jackpot.

If to make an honest living you choose to sling hash, don’t blow your cover!  Keep your good fortune to yourself.

Waiting tables and bar tending is prime territory for an ongoing mining expedition.   Thieves with PhDs believes food service is a perfect venue to employ the “As Good as it Gets” tactic. Don’t believe me? Remember the waitress that was left millions by the guy she served scrambled eggs and bacon to every morning?  That could be you!

Who cares if the benefactor’s immediate family spent the next 20 years standing outside the diner begging for small change.   What’s that to you? Legal is legal and besides the guy who sat in Ms. Wood’s section may have been very, very grateful for the opportunity to watch young Cara squeeze fresh orange juice.

If you serve food or alcohol, one way to become another executor to an estate, a two-time sole heir, or get the mortgage on the summer home you bought with Aunt Lucy’s life savings paid off too, is to burrow your way into hearts and minds via the stomach, or the liver.

“Choose wisely grasshopper.” If a frequent customer flashes a money clip with a lot of big bills, load up their plate with extra French fries, serve doubles at the bar for free.  Then wait for an opening to share some sappy sob story about your broken down jalopy and your kid with the crooked teeth.  That will immediately gain sympathy.

Whatever your career choice and regardless of your field, whether blue or white collar, there’s a formidable hit to be made out there in the work-a-day world, but success is contingent upon maintaining an ethical worker facade. Future crimes and cashing in depend on it.Whatever you do, do not, I repeat ‘Do not’ reveal the good fortune you’ve already amassed.  It would be a dead (no pun intended)  give away.

It is also important to avoid the temptation to upgrade in the wardrobe department. Continue wearing rubber-soled Earth shoes paired with khaki, unisex chinos.  Also, whatever you do, don’t stop having your hair coiffed in the transgender hair salon, but do continue to avoid hair dye, mustache wax, the dentist and the dermatologist. Doing otherwise would instantly raise suspicion.

Moreover, do not emulate overly exuberant lottery winners who instantly retire and quit their job. Stick with it;  use your salary as pocket change to finance your ongoing hunting expedition where everyday is another opportunity to  locate and lift large sums of loot from other non-suspecting dolts.

Everyone and everything is fair game. Exploit your place of employment,  fool people into believing  you’re there to help rehabilitate people with catastrophic head injuries and serve the Soup of the Day.

If your luck continues, as it has thus far, there’s no need to worry, your victims will be safely decayed before anyone who can stop you realizes that all along your benevolent work ethic was all about you and not about them.

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2 Responses to Squeezing Oranges to Cash In

  1. I remember being a young girl and my dad had me take a test. The name of the test is something like the Strong Interest Inventory. It tells you, based on your natural likes and dislikes and personality traits, what job(s) you would be most suited for. I wonder if there are some people who actually come up as natural predators. “Based on your test results, Ms. Smith, you should consider a career that combines gerontology and financial abuse.” Ha ha ha ha.
    Seriously. This is a good slant on the whole thing. SInce the mofessional in your scenario is a hoity toity smarty pants, it would also be appropriate to suggest careers that accomplish the same legal plundering but have a bit more cachet (and, I daresay, a good deal more personal protection) than waitress or bed pan emptier. Probate attorneys and my personal (least) favorite fiduciaries are two very viable paths. In fact, I know a nice little ring of practitioners here where I live who are profiting nicely from writing the documents and inserting themselves in the position of POA in such a way that by the time the families figure it all out (which most families never will because they are ignorant), the money’s long gone and Granny’s in the ground.
    Another thought that just occurred. I’m in midlife. I’m obviously having a crisis. I really should be considering a career change here. I wonder how much of a stretch it would be for me, an intelligent but basically honest person, to get on this gravy train. There are a lot of Baby Boomers ahead of me and Social Security ain’t looking very secure for my age bracket and younger. Yes. I think, Ms. Jeannie, that you have lit a flame in me and I will look into all this. Thank you, thank you. A most grateful Mighty Mom

  2. jeannieology says:

    I used healthcare because our personal predator is a highly respected PhD in that field and food service because if you saw her or her significant other you’d understand why. ; )

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