How to be a Victorious Vulture

Vulturous behavior is endemic to Thieves with PhDs. Wrap your buzzard brain around this one:

Vultures are eaters of the dead.  They are part of the group known as birds of prey, have acute eyesight, muscular legs and sharp bills. While most birds of prey feed on live animals, the vulture specializes in eating the bodies of the dead. When a particularly good prize is discovered, it is not uncommon to find up to six different species of vulture taking part in the feeding frenzy.

Eating the dead? Birds of prey? Acute eyesight?  Tasty prizes – and feeding frenzies? Sound familiar? Why… that sounds exactly like you.

The larger question here is this: How can a vulture like yourself better enhance on-going buzzard activity, devour prey, throw everyone off and emerge victorious? Simple…by implementing a few ‘buzzard suggestions’ that never fail.

All Thieves with PhDs, without exception, proudly search out and feed off the dying and dead. “Vultures do not go after healthy prey, but will attack wounded and dying animals.”

If by chance after locating and commencing with devouring weak and aged prey, while  pecking at living flesh, a human family member becomes suspicious and attempts to save the victim, even for the coolest of buzzards, things could get uncomfortably hot.

Fear not! You’re a vulture, don’t back off,  be  bold, ignore the pressure by  doing what vultures do. They defecate on their own legs so that while its evaporating, it cools them down.

After all, you successfully snatched a dying animal in your buzzard claws; you flew them back to a secret location; and ravenously emptied that hefty bank account.  Then, under cover of the night, the family located, snatched back, and ferried an increasingly fragile, half-eaten frame to a safer locale.

Like a herd sneaking up and grabbing the paw of a wounded animal and dragging them back to camp, to ensure further protection, a stunned family filed for guardianship to shelter that defenseless loved one from ongoing vulture-like activity on your part.

How would any self-respecting vulture respond?

They’d jump directly into the fray and not back down.  Remember a vulture’s “bald, or lightly-feathered, head is specially designed to stay clean even when confronted with blood and bodily fluids present in the carcasses,” so what’s a bloody court case and a few thousand dollars in lawyer’s fees to you? Either way a vulture is designed specially to emerge from dirty situations, clean.

Moreover vultures have the perfect defense trick to draw on:

The vomit of a vulture, followed by the action of flying away, is a vulture’s most common defensive tactic against a predator or adversary. If food is relatively undigested, the predator is rewarded with a free meal. If the food is mostly digested, the foul-smelling substance acts as a deterrent and will sting the eyes of a predator if it lands in their face .

Most  “vultures are social and several species can often be seen feeding together on the same carcass.”  Vultures know the ‘venue’ and are more than willing to call the pot a ‘kettle‘, so find a buzzardy lawyer, counter that petition for guardianship, and insist you want to guard the person you impoverished from a person who never would.

So what if  raptor-rape took place. Act like a proud vulture, swoop down and petition a judge to entrust the victim to you.  When the legal system fails to protect the innocent it’s likely you’ll be allowed to drag what’s left of an emaciated body back to the scene of the crime where famished buzzards like yourself can finally finish them off.

In other words, be a carnivore who accuses the frugivore of hogging all the meat. Come on now, even for a vulture, vying for and vowing to protect a person you’re responsible for literally ravaging and then accusing the innocent of being the fiend is a ballsy move even for a buzzard.

Another  bonafide vulture move would be to gorge on every tasty morsel, and then peck vigorously at those who don’t  bite.

Vultures are capable of consuming up to 20 percent of their own body weight in one sitting. So when a son or daughter attempts to rescue penniless parental prey from having their fragile bones picked of any remaining meat at the vulture buffet you host, accuse those above suspicion of wanting to control money that doesn’t exist — because you consumed it all.

In hopes of  adding more feathers to your nest, swear more concern than anyone else for the incapacitated individual you’re itching to claim ownership over. Fight for guardianship, spend thousands of your former ward’s dollars to drag people to court and, once there, soar above the situation like the high flying bird you pride yourself to be.

In court, profess undying love, devotion and insist you care. After you do, throw everybody off by forgetting to inquire as to the state of the health and well being of the person you’re fighting so hard to repossess.

But above all, ignore those who judge vultures as disgusting beings. Truth is, lay people are simply unaware that the Aegypius monachus provides a service in the animal kingdom and, like you, do an important job clearing terrain of leftovers.

Remain strong and remember most people don’t understand a vulturous nature because a). they don’t have one, and b). they’re unaware that “By consuming the carcasses of diseased animals, vultures prevent the spread of life-threatening diseases such as rabies and anthrax among animals and humans.”

When the time is ‘right-as-raven’ and, in the end, “A soaring vulture can spot a 3-foot animal carcass from 4 miles away.” So, after the inevitable comes to pass and the focus of the tug-of war  expires (which you hoped and knew would happen),  breathe a sigh of relief and release that mournful squawk you’re famous for, because final-feeding-frenzy-time is fast approaching.

Don’t let awkwardness force you to squander a perfect opportunity. Despite hard feelings, broken people, stolen inheritances and deceased relatives, if at all possible, hover around some more and if you spot an opening swoop down and claim for your own all the crumbs and  scraps.

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2 Responses to How to be a Victorious Vulture

  1. Yours must be a particularly hardy and nature-defying species of vulture. You don’t usually see morbidly obese birds. How does she manage to get any airlift being so fat and all?
    But then, defying logic, gravity and decency is what makes our special breed of thief so effective, isn’t it? No one — including the incredulous family — can quite believe their eyes/ears.
    As caterpillars metamorphose into butterflies, it appears that ticks who gorge on the living metamorphose into vultures to finish off the nasty job.
    I don’t usually associate Ph.D.s with roadkill. But trash is trash when there’s spoils to be ill-begotten.
    Excellent post today, jeannie. When is the e-book coming out?

  2. jeannieology says:

    PhD doesn’t not necessary = moral.

    E-Book? I’m thinking about it and I’m in the process of lining up some publications – the DA – and some other humiliating interested parties.

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