Muddy Waters, Dexter Morgan and Calming a Confused Curmudgeon

Things had calmed down.  The codger was none the wiser, legal papers were altered and filed, and you finally purchased that monogramed, forest green, POA jumpsuit you’ve been been eye balling for awhile.  So you were all set.

Moreover, you’d practiced making swirly-Qs when signing withdrawal receipts, made friends with the tellers at the local bank, and systematically bilked thousands-upon-thousands of dollars.  And you did so while simultaneously convincing yourself a misappropriated lottery windfall was a ‘gift’ from the individual drooling and asking questions at 2 o’clock in the morning like “Who took the tray of cookies off my lap?”

A few years go by and the POA recipient’s brain size continues to diminish like a plum transforming into a prune.  And after finding a stray bank statement that somehow got mixed in with a pile of mismatched socks, the befuddled one starts to ask really annoying questions like: “Where’s all my money?” and  “I thought I had more money?”

Don’t panic!  There are things you can do. But do make sure dumb-auntia can’t query anyone outside the four walls of the cage you’ve confined her to. Know this: bringing in a male scion could muddy up the waters.

If, and when, always remember the lyrics “You Can’t Loose What You Ain’t Never Had” may apply to the next of kin, but certainly not to you.

Had money in the bank, I got busted, people ain’t that bad, Had money in the bank, I got busted, people ain’t that bad, You can’t spend what you ain’t got, can’t loose what you ain’t never had

So if things get bumpy for a spell, start reciting those words and shaking your head “Yes” to everything the curmudgeon, says. If she says: “I can’t find my pocketbook,” you say, “Yes.” If she says: “I don’t know what happened to all the money I had,” smile and say, “Yes”

The word ‘Yes’ may seem misplaced at times, but provides ultimate comfort to the elderly whose elevator doesn’t make it all the way to the top floor any more. So, if you can force it to stop at the ‘Yes’-floor the perplexed usually step off and say, “We’re here!”

In addition, inheritance heister experience has also proven missing teeth and ill fitting shoes always propel the senior-citizen-set to search for something besides money.

For extra protection, if it seems like jailhouse break is in the offing, take some preliminary precautions like purposely misplacing those teeth and replacing those slippers with late Grandpa’s old sneakers. As follow-up, slip the local taxi driver Habib a c-note and make him swear to Allah he’ll prevent Grandma from claiming  the back seat of his checkered cab.

If that doesn’t work, pull back on the Lasix dose for a couple of days. Moderate swelling and a bout of congestive heart failure usually cuts off enough oxygen to the brain to get the patient onto another subject and asking more benign questions like: “What’s today?” And “Where did my husband go? Wasn’t he was just sitting here?”

Being creative could keep a person swearing there’s three men in a tree playing instruments outside their bedroom window confused a little while longer.

Something that always works is to buy board games like Monopoly. Unwrap the play money, jump up and down clapping and with a thankful sigh say: “So that’s where all your money went and wouldn’t you know, I’m the one who finally found it for you.”

Giving back Granny large denominations of fake money should result in the relieved chump opening their change purse and insisting on giving you what little is left of their life savings. Word to the wise: Until the dust up blows over,  decline all offers of loose change by saying: “No, no, no… you’re too kind, keep that for yourself.”

Whatever you do, hold the Alzheimer’s patient searching for missing funds at bay for as long as you can. Stall, change the subject, or, if things get dicey with the family, retain a lawyer who takes extended vacations.   If you wait, eventually the one rattling around in the room upstairs will exhale a final rattle and the lid will be slammed shut on the whole sordid affair.

Always remember this is a timing game.  You played the game when you conned your mark, you timed it properly when you fooled their family, you’re timing has been impeccable as you faked your way through a couple of years pretending you were a friend to the friendless and a buddy to the person you ‘executed’ with the new and improved will you initiated.

So fret not; if you just continue to bide time, take time, be patient and time your moves properly, who’ll get away with the what TWPHDs likes to call the Fiduciary Oversight Scheme.

In the end, while other Thieves with PhDs wait patiently to hear the sound of the bucket being kicked, you’ll go down in the annals of fiduciary fakery as someone who lucratively managed to get away with doing to a power of attorney recipient what you signed on to protect them from.

Hiding in plain sight is brilliant; you’re like a will and inheritance version of Dexter, the serial killer everyone trusts, the blood splatter expert that investigates his own crime scenes.

So hang in there, when the burgled quadragenarian x 2 starts rooting around for their bank book and asking probing questions about the money you’ve already spent, load up your inheritance heister hypodermic needle and, when nobody’s looking, go in for the kill.

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3 Responses to Muddy Waters, Dexter Morgan and Calming a Confused Curmudgeon

  1. Me likes. Be the anti-Nancy Reagan. Just say, “YES!”
    The really scary thing here is this is all so eerily familiar.
    Being 88 doesn’t negate all the years of careful financial management that enabled your loved one to amass a heist-worthy fortune. She has every right to demand, “Where’s my money at?” (Well, the “at” part is superfluous, I admit.) Why do those around her act as if that’s the most illogical, ill-conceived question in the world, on par with the one about the men playing instruments in the trees? In our scenario, the answer never has been “yes” but “I don’t have to tell you.” We are still waiting.

  2. jeannieology says:

    We can’t judge people for having a different kind of “Dark Passenger.” One that loots — Right?

  3. Whats up this is kind of of off topic but I was wanting to know
    if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML.
    I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding skills so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

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