The Ship to Shangri-La and Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

Some inheritance hijackers are lucky enough to hit the jackpot way before anybody dies.  This group is unique.  They are savvy characters able to lift lots of greenery prior to the death of the person they’re robbing and put themselves in a good position to be home free if, and when, anyone finds out.

If you’re hard pressed for cash and the elder you’re financially abusing doesn’t seem to be cooperating by shoving off for Shangri-La as quickly as you’d hoped, here are a few pointers that have worked for an elite group of grifters who are worthy of the respect of Thieves with PhDs the world over:

  • Start by finding someone with a lot of money who is generous in other ways, like cash for Christmas and bags of leftovers when you are invited over for dinner.  Find a person who’s the type who sees a need in your life and meets it, the type of person who presses a couple of $20 bills into your hand every chance they get.
  • Cultivate a close relationship with the target.  If at all possible it would be preferable if the relationship was lifelong. Also, it’s important to find a way to isolate the ancient one from anyone who really cares about them.  Mainly, be on the lookout for persons who would stop you if they caught on to your plan, or worst of all, could be the first in line to inherit what you’ve claimed for your own.
  • Cover your tracks legally. Convince the old geezer to grant you power of attorney, make you ‘executioner’ of the estate, and ‘pull the plug’ health care proxy (that way if gramps or granny lingers on too long  at least you have some control over the situation).
  • Commence with grumbling over having no money right away.  Complain about how hard you work, pull out a raggedy check book and sigh repeatedly while paying the oil bill in front of the victim. Complain about how the furnace is 40-years-old, insist the kids wear old sneakers with holes in the toes, make mention that, Jesus, Mary and St. Joseph, Catholic school tuition is way too high, and mortgage and taxes are out of control.  Pour on the pity party like maple syrup on a pile of steaming hot cakes.

If you hammer away at it with enough consistency, there is a good chance Granny will be badgered into compassion and eventually say, “I don’t need all this money. Why don’t you take it? You could really use it.”

Now that the door is open, it’s just waiting for you to walk through it.

  • Argue at first and say, with the most believable voice you can muster, “Nooo…I could never do that to you…what if you need it?”
  • Always remember: Protestations that seem sincere are great for convincing the person wanting to give you money that you don’t want it, which almost always gains their trust and tricks them into believing you’re not ‘like that.’
  • If you’ve manipulated the circumstance to the  point where what you’ve hoped for actually looks like it might come to pass try to maintain your composure and whatever you do don’t expose the plan to be derelict in your fiduciary duties. For instance, if at all possible, get the hoary old fossil to agree to put the check into someone else’s name.  This is a precaution that you’ll thank God you took if the next of kin ever decides to reclaim what’s rightfully theirs and take your well endowed keister to court.
  • When the elder you’re abusing prepares to transfer funds into your account, insist they keep something – oh, let’s say about 15%, for themselves.  Don’t worry, you can always go back and dip into those funds later on with bank and ATM withdrawals and electronic transfers.
  • After you do, if at any point anyone notices “there were an extraordinary number of transactions”  practice the John Corizine “I simply do not know where the money is,” incantation, plead the fifth, and swear you didn’t know everything that was going on.

Once the check is cashed and the transfer complete, Grandma may still be with you, but at least Shangri-La has been delivered to your door.  So breathe a sigh of relief, dress yourself in your finest sheep’s clothing, offer to take the old goat to lunch and absolutely insist on paying the tab.

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2 Responses to The Ship to Shangri-La and Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

  1. This is such wise advice. I mean, waiting around for old people to croak is so tiresome. Who knows how much of your money they might blow through before finally shipping off to Shangri-la? Some old geezers just go on and on, living and spending like there’s no tomorrow. No, this is the only way to guarantee your rightful payoff for all that hard work and caring.
    I’m so glad someone finally brought this up. You’re doing a humanitarian service to would-be heisters everywhere…

  2. jeannieology says:

    That is the purpose Susan – to help those who help themselves to what belongs to those who can’t help themselves…someone has got to do it.

    I’m thinking tomorrow I should come up with a way to help inheritance heisters spread lies and make accusations that transform innocent heirs into monsters…What-ya-think? Good idea?

    You know, make Mr. Rogers-types seem like Freddy Krueger so when you’re stuffing their parent’s hard earned money into the side of your mattress you won’t feel half as bad.

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